She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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