I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize