Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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