She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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