i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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