dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize