If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
