Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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