I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
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