never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
