I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
