How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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