We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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