I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
