just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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