there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
