I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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