Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
