I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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