Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
