Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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