it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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