you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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