Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
