I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
