i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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