he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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