the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
