I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
