So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
