Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I would fuck him just for his dog
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