if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
