you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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