My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
