I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
