i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
