we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
