The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
