I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
