Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
