Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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