If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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