I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
