woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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