who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
it was like eating out sand paper
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
