Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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