Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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