is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
