I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
