I cockslap morals
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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