I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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