What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
