i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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