Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
