I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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