I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
