ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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