she looked like the before picture.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
