I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
